Three days after our outing on the Transalpine Express I tested positive. There was no mistaking the symptoms and the red line. I settled down to endure the raging temperature, dizzy head, cough, and aches and pains in places it didn’t seem possible to have them. Hubby only had three days to gloat, and then he turned positive too. We each had to isolate for seven days. Sadly, this meant we had to miss the works social BBQ and day at the races, which put us both into even more of a grump. Trotting races are exciting to watch. Fast and furious, like Ben Hurr without the knives.

Unfortunately the time was fast approaching when we would need to leave our apartment and begin an actual holiday.  We had given notice to the letting company and duly received an email and a Vacate Cleaning Checklist, which (being confined to bed) I now had liberty to peruse in detail.

Those people who live in rented accommodation will, of course, be familiar with this type of high minded document. I have had some experience of this before. Offspring Number 1 has avoided it by living at home, in a camper van, or at his girlfriend’s. But Offspring Number 2 is quite an expert, having lived in various rented properties in Birmingham for years, where it is all but impossible to get your deposit back. Our document contained a list entitled General for all Rooms, (which saves paper). It itemised all the areas that must be cleaned if the tenant has any hope of reclaiming their bond (deposit). It would be much simpler if the list stated the areas that we could leave dirty. How refreshing it would be if you were permitted a certain number of abandoned biscuit crumbs, a protective film of dust, and a few finger marks on the sliding glass door. How compassionate it would be if we were not required to make spiders homeless.

All walls, floors, skirting boards, window frames and sills must be washed. Windows inside and out. Every dimensional aspect of the cooker, fridge, freezer, dishwasher, shower and toilet must be thoroughly cleaned and no soap residue or pink mould left behind. Curtains and carpets should be professionally cleaned (haha!). The taps, handles and toilet roll holders must be polished. Lawns must be mowed, compost bins emptied, weeds sprayed and gardens dug so that not a single weed is in evidence. Most home owners would take at least a year to do all this, (the keen ones that is) by which time – like the Forth Bridge – they would be starting all over again. But no, tenants must do all this in a couple of weeks. Luckily there is no outdoor area to worry about, although the Impatiens plant is flourishing and weed free.

But we do have two bathrooms, two kitchens, and two loo roll holders to polish. I wonder how many door handles, taps and loo roll holders I can get done while recovering from Covid? I can polish slowly.

Gonna need that holiday.